With it being the first day of summer obviously how could I not blog....

Have you ever sat back after losing your temper and snapping and begin to regret the things you said... that you can't take back?
Well that's what I'm doing right now .... I snapped last week on the boy and said somethings that I now regret... I was mad I know and I don't know if I really meant them or not.. as of Saturday he said " it's too late.. what you said was low and you can't take it back" ... sure what I said was low but I just couldn't stop it was verbal diarrhea and ya what I said was the truth but kind of didn't need to be said... We ended our conversation " I dont want to be with you right now" ... "Well neither do I a lot of things need to change for us to work"

Someone once said "My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away" ... the feeling hasn't gone away.. I can't eat, can't sleep, I run all the time.. or I'm at the gym... I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off things.. the weird thing is I haven't even cried.. I'm not a crier over this kind of stuff .. I never have been ... I cry over family and how much I miss them they say distance makes the heart grow fonder.. bullshit... it makes you miserable whether they are alive or dead... I feel like I'm in a dark place again... I sit in silence and listen to music.. I've deleted him out of my phone so I'm not tempted to look and see if hes online or what he's doing because I can't care.. I cant make him come back to me right now... He's never had anyone stand up to him before I think this is new to him and he doesn't know what to do... He hasn't came to get his stuff yet so I don't think this is over... it's just that I wish time would hurry the hell up and he realizes what he has to do to get "us" back I have to be strong and stand my ground and not give in as much as it's killing me not being with him I can't be walked over.

Nicholas Sparks is a smart man I'm reading his quotes and they seem to be fitting for today ....
Truth only means something when it's hard to admit.... well it took me getting absolutely livid to say the things i was feeling. I hurt him bad I know I did with the words I said... I wasn't brought up to say hurtful things and I think that is what is upsetting me most... if my mother heard the words I said to him she would probably be disgusted. I want things to get better... I really do! It's hard not seeing him or being with him... There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and all I want his a phone call saying "hey" ... I know he's working 12 hour shifts now and being a busy body around the ranch... The girls have texted me being like Holy he's doing so much around the place.. maybe that's how he's coping I don't know. I'm envious he has all this stuff to do to keep busy.. I'm doing my best to keep busy but my mind always wanders back to him and what he's doing and how he's feeling and how he should be talking to me and how long is it going to be before he talks to me...

There's guys around town who have heard him and I aren't getting along right now and it hasn't taken them long to start talking to me and wanting to hangout ... one of them is insisting that we go for ice cream tonight! I don’t think I’m ready for that… I still want things to work with him and he needs to pull his head out…
Another thing Spark’s said was “It's possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it's not so overwhelming." … Time’s suppose to heal everything they say… I honestly believe it’s doesn’t heal.. it just teaches you to cope with the pain and go with it… you’re never healed by your broken love you are coping and moving on… it get’s old and finally you just give up and slowly stop thinking about it because you’re distracted. Like Sparks said its not as overwhelming because you’ve dealt with it for so long it’s old news!

The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it's over. … hit the nail on the head…
I'm almost at goodbye I think… he’s just so stubborn .. I know he's not done if he was he’d come and get all his stuff from my house but he hasn’t.. he's been in town I saw him Friday and Saturday he was in town and not at the ranch .. like I said I haven’t cried yet… it’s not quite a tragedy. I’ve always been the tough one when it comes to men… I’ve been the guys girl… I have more guy friends then girlfriends. The boys have been there for me they are the ones when I put in my extensions say “ Umm is that your real hair… get real” orrrr “Hey nice warpaint” …. I never have to impress them I show up in sweats.. hair in a ponytail and no make up and they don’t even blink twice… When I throw myself together they saw “ Go make us some money with free drinks” or “ Okay.. go make friends you round up girls for us like a rancher does stray cattle” … haha I take those as compliments and it’s hilarious its so chill with them… when it comes to me actually liking someone and wanting to be with them… that’s when the boys step in … if he passes their test then I know its good to go… The boys here approve of him *sometimes* because he’s one of their best friends but really the stuff they say about the way he treats me sometimes is ridiculous…. The boys back home.. I dunno what they’d think of him and the boys in Vernon wouldn’t like him because he’s not a rider… I figure if I love him they should too.. but they are about as stubborn as I am sooo .. Im finally standing my ground … respecting myself and my feelings and in return he should too… I was never made to be disrespected. My grandfather would’ve beat him with the butt of the shotgun if he heard some of the things he has said to me… The way I see it.. if he doesn’t fix this one that’s it after off and on with him for the past 3 years enough chances enough is enough…

I understand now why they call us the Notebook…." They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they didn’t agree on anything. They fought all the time and challenged each other ever day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common. They were crazy about each other…." That quote right there… that’s us in a nut shell we fight we argue we try to out-do eachother everyday in no matter what and when the other person turns out being right the other one is pissed off about it… But in the end we are crazy about eachother .. this time if we work things out it’s gotta be a no looking back sort of deal and all or nothing no take backs no strike outs …

"Summer romances end for all kinds of reasons. But when all is said and done, they have one thing in common: They are shooting stars-a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity. And in a flash, they're gone."…. our summer romance started 3 years ago has been up and down every which way but continue watching the movie
"Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over." -Noah

Stampede is next weekend.. he'll be in town... we'll see how she goes.. he'll need a place to sleep.. I can't give in.. I got to be strong... I have to go back to being Me... not me and him we need to be to the people we were when we fell in love and from there No Takebacks

Thanks for reading! If you read best be leaving some love in the comments!